hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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