I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
