My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
