everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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