you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
