just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
