I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
