Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my liver is dry heaving
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
