Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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