My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
