false alarm. still invincible.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
