I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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