If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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