Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
