Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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