She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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