"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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