At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
