I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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