I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
