I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
