Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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