I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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