If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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