I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
