I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
