did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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