i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
