did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How naked do you want me to be?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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