3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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