I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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