remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
