Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Found the puke drawer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
