just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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