You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
