made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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