I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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