the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
