The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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