i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
