apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
