i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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