There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
