You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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