It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
