im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
