I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
