Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
