My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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