In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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