how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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