You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
