how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
