cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
