i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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