I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
