So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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