I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
